...and notice how often (if you do) you kick yourself for some of the decisions or choices you make that turn out to be less than desirable!

Time to fire that "internal punisher" and hire a more loving puppy trainer!

Let me think this out... I often manipulate myself with fear to maintain a strict living conduct, and I find that my methods are completely counterproductive. Take nutrition, for instance. My nutritional knowledge far surpasses any practical applications of it simply because "I am not disciplined enough" to maintain the lifestyle "I know is best for me." However, measuring myself against a standard only points out the gaping chasm that will always exist between me and it. When I am overloaded with supposed knowledge, it tends to interfere with right attitude (again, I qualify the subject, but I think you see my point and its convolutions). When I am eternally grateful and in a state of transcendent, grounded bliss, then this attitude clearly affects my health more positively than do my (well-intentioned) attempts to measure myself against the Standard of Health.

When my choices are about abundance (in raw-foodism, for example) and I can be a raw foodist with that sense, then I succeed. When they are about dogma, I do not. In my experience, it has been very difficult to maintain a state of grounded, open bliss in which I am most positively productive and authentic. Then, when emotional lulls come, I try to keep with the behavioral patterns that authentically emerged from the state of divine openness that gave rise to them. That's when dogma kicks in and I become an idolator.

Recognizing this pattern has helped me to dissolve it. It's a beautiful thing.

When I was just a puppy my trainer screamed a lot for no particular reason. So my liitermates and I developed an attitude we called being slutpuppies. Begging for any kindness we could get, always concerned about making the trainer happy, cause when the trainer ain't happy, nobodies happy. This behavior is based on the fear that if you don't make'em happy they will rain all hell down on your world and you will know that you deserve it because nobody ever told you that you were worth a crap.

Yeah, I know I should reward myself with praise, but i don't believe it even when I say it. I am too old and ugly to get by as a slutpuppy any more. I hate being manipulated by fear but sometimes I just have to get the screamers of the world off my back for a while. In my home screaming lead to violence, it's a hard lesson to forget.